IDIOT. I DESPISE CLOSE MINDED MEN. SCAREDY CAT - WUSS - GOOD FOR NOTHING EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO SEEKING SHELTER. I'm sick of handling all the plans. But I persevere. Until a step he made which trips my very sane thinking.

So my mother had decided to drag us all with her and her colleagues to some place for a holiday. She had paid for the flight tickets. Stupid wuss wouldn't want to come because my mother is around. How do he expect her to accept him as my current boyfriend if he wouldn't even make a simple step like going on a holiday with us just because she and her colleagues are around? It's just stupid. I hate immature men. I especially DESPISE those who doesn't know what's good for them. I ESPECIALLY DO NOT LIKE men who can't think ahead properly and spoil my fun. Pfft. I'm sick of being nice.

Giving it all up has always been my forte. Abandoning everything into a corner and leaving it, shutting it behind me has always been easy. But there are a few matter which no matter how I tried burying, they are able to come up to the surface like some zombie to terrorize me, reminding me of my mistakes.

Where have it all gone wrong?

There were so many things I regret not doing, or ignored, telling myself that it would have been good that things are the way they are. They don't need to be changed. But now, I sat here looking at people who I once know, and still know, thinking what my life had been if I had pushed my way through, insisting that things go my way.

For instance, furthering my studies in Japan. My father who were never the risk taker and forever straight, insists that I finish my current degree in graphic design before I move on to animation. At that time, I only wanted to follow my friends who are all also pursuing their studies in animation and ending their diploma that year itself. So, being daddy's girl, I decided to let that slide and convince myself that it was all for the best.

Forwarding to the present, here I am struggling on my final year of graphic design degree. They are in Japan. Living their dreams. And partly mine. I'm here. In Malaysia. Lost. Sheltered under a roof which blocks my view to the whole world. This roof is not only my current situation, but also made of other people surrounding me. All pulling me back from moving forward. Or maybe I'm just partly blaming them for I'm not willing to venture out into the world. I don't know.

I recently had a dream. Or nightmare. Which seemed so true as if it just happened yesterday. It involved a special person which I tried reminding myself to forget, or ignore. This person, has a lot of flaws which angers and frustrates me all the time, yet strangely attracts me. I used to not appreciate his efforts, but as a twist of fate brought us together again several years later, I begin to love every gesture of appreciation that he shows.

Funnily again, due to a miscalculated event, an event which both of us has no control over, separates us and eventually leaves us to lead our own lives in totally opposite direction. Never did we spoke to each other again, except on certain occasions, but by then I've lost my spirit. I was already with someone else. So was he.

So here again I am, thinking, we were so close back then, yet what went wrong? Was it because I was too stubborn to admit that I'm attracted to him? Or it was just a part of his ploy to seek revenge for leaving him once? Or maybe he wasn't sure of himself? Maybe he thinks it's going to end the same way again?

As I thought, nothing beats living alone. Companions comes in handy sometimes, I for one enjoy my own quiet time alone.

Why is it that men are always insensitive? is it the special trait in a man's genes or is it something else?

It's the dreaded Valentines Day again and just because one is not single doesn't mean that person would be having the time of their life.

It was screwed up and I'm not holding back to say this. It was just like a typical normal going out day. Nothing special. Nothing great. Hell why would it be when you're the one who had to chaffeur your partner, arrange dinner, arrange the movie tickets, and preparing backup contingency plans, AND juggling college work at the same time. This is purely ridiculous. Even though I'm no longer single, I can still say, Valentine's Day is bullshit. If this is the only day where a person is supposed to show their 'love', fuck off. Heck other days were even better than today.

Right, so its partly my fault for not telling my significant half of what I want. And at this point I have to agree with the commonly written article in women's magazines; Men are stupid, women are too complicated. Is it so wrong to just have the men drive at least ONCE today? I don't mind doing all the driving but puh-lease, I'm tired out of college and assignments, and I still have to arrange everything, plan out the whole outing?

The only memorable thing about today was that I appreciate the thought of him getting me a gift, which of course was gorgeous, but it didn't help me de-stress. Sure, it was sweet when he wear them on me, but, just by getting a gift, it's done? Heck if Valentine's Day is supposed to be like that, we're better off without it.

At the end of the day, being sweet as usual, he thanked for the "wonderful" day (not sure how real was that because I felt as if it's one of the suckiest V-day). That moment obviously melted my heart. For a few minutes. And then I'm back to angst and being pissed and selfish.

Why is it always that when I finally have a boyfriend, V-day tend to be the suckiest? Because I hold very high expectations? Poor poor them. I still recall my ex- who screw up big time because he didn't bother getting me flowers (i apologize here but I AM A TRADITIONALIST) and all he can do is ramble how V-day is sucky. Ahh yea, worst outing throughout the whole relationship. Is it because of the flowers only? Or was it something else which I didn't realise?

Funnily enough, I think the best V-Day gift I got in my whole life, was from a friend, and not boyfriend. He gave me a bouquet of flowers, and all in the name of thanking me for being a good friend to him. Such irony.

Sometimes I always wondered why did I ever bother being nice to people (hey wait, i believed i brought up this topic once). I keep telling myself to not expect anything upon helping others.

..and that is how I lose friends easily. Because if they barely prove themselves worthy, I can't be bothered to entertain them. Yet, there's always this ONE person. Time and time I told myself to give up on this ungrateful (maybe it's a little harsh of a word to use but....) fella. Never seemed to work out sadly.

Sometimes I just felt like screaming at him:

IF YOU NEEDED ME AROUND SO MUCH WHY WOULDN'T YOU LEARN TO LISTEN OR AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME RECOGNITION YOU BLOODY BASTARD. DON'T YOU HAVE A FUCKING MIND OF YOUR OWN? MUST YOU ALWAYS ASK OTHER PEOPLE TO DECIDE FOR YOU, LOSER?

....pfft. Recognition. Heh. Was it a hard thing to ask for? Perhaps.

EDIT: Thought this might be an interesting add-on.

"Your answers suggest you are an Idealist"

Taken from one of BBC.uk's personality test, I found out the answer to this blog entry. As I read on, it keeps on nailing and nailing of what I'm like....until this particular sentence;

"Recognition for their work is important to Idealists; however, they are also good at spotting false praise."

....BBC said it all. Haha. Guess it wasn't just my imagination after all.

Some people jusy have fucking lousy common sense.

I needed to hand in 3 fucking thick report in 20 hours. Approximately 3 cm height. Along with 3 edited videos. I'm nowhere near 50% completion. To get to 50% i had to work for weeks.

And there are people who knew that. And they still fucking seeks attention.

Dammit.

Yet again, who am I to say this when I do the same from time to time? Just under a different situation.

Its time of the year when parents start voicing their concern when they found out about their daughter's relationship. That sucks....a LOT. Not to mention things weren't smooth cause my dad somewhat caught us two together only in the house; and my mum thinks we're rushing into things. I have no idea where she got that shitty idea from, but i know i don't like it when both of them voiced their concerns. Dad was worried it will affect my career (uh...huh... yeah right. But i'm somewhat grateful for it; motivates me to work even harder now to prove him wrong); mum was worried...i have no idea what the fuck she's worried about since she's not going straight to the point when we have our 'talk'.

Another fucking problem i can't bring up to the one i trust most now because i don't want him to worry.

EDIT: I feel really really pressured now. Hah, and my mother complains I never tell her anything. Now look where it's gone to after I told her about my life. From now on she's not knowing shitz from me anymore. Same goes for the rest of the family.

While my ex-crush was having his own relationship with that cheater, his two best friends already suspected that something was fishy about that cheater dude. Which in turn, before things get out of hand and ex-crush's gonna lose all his friends, I decided to step in and somewhat play as a mediator in a way. That was when...I began to know another guy better. One of the two best friends which I'm not really closed with; Daniel.

Ever since high school, we knew each other's faces, but when we talk, it's only a sentence or two. Now with his best friend being at risk of cheated, and my ex-crush's life on the line, we hang out together often; discussing on how we're gonna give him support and dissing the cheater. And that was how it all begin I guess.

As we began to spend time more and more together frequently, we begin to use terms of endearment such as 'hun' and 'dear'. It started out as just on friendly term, but later then, I find that those terms are growing on me and the our relationship as friends somewhat grew into more than that.

When I finally found out that I might have fallened for Daniel, he left hints here and there over at his side too. He never asked me out though, but once a while the does put his hands on my shoulders, but never stay that way for too long. Until one day...

...when we decided to go out shopping. We were somewhat debating on who's going to carry a mineral bottle or flyer. Hands touched and before I realised what I was doing, we were already holding hands, like a couple. That was when I know, we can never turn back anymore. We've started.....dating each other.

I believe I've blogged about the somewhat 'special' person at the first few early entries in this blog. How he had that special someone. It's disappointing to found out that that person was just toying on him. That fucking betch. How dare that person plays a grand trick on him. Because of that a friendship was somewhat broken. Worse of all, the person to confirm of that person's truancy was....me. I won't get into details as this it is not exactly my privelege to do so even though i was somewhat involved in letting the cat out of the bag.

Anyway, we're back to being friends. As i suspected it was probably just a short time infatuation thingy which most teenagers go through. And i'm glad i found out about it before i actually decide to ask him out. Things never been as clear as now, and i'm god damn happy that i've been blessed with loads of awesome friends. It's so funny how we don't even talk much during high school but now we're hanging out so often. It felt awesome.

....i've forgotten what I wanted to say. Whatever it was, i'm at the brink of whatever i'm feeling now. Pissed. Hell yea. Very very very pissed. I'm gonna put it bluntly here. I'm pissed because the friend i trusted so much only knows how to bitch about her own problem, i'm pissed because my own mother is flirting with my friend, i'm pissed because she's better than me, i'm pissed because i'm still alive and haven't ended it yet, i'm pissed.... somehow i was very tempted to just drive at 200km/h on the highway and smash myself over a cliff or balcony. Only thing is, i don't want there to be more smoke in this world than there already is. One car is not that much different compared to a fucking big bunch of factories but hey.....everyone has to do a part in the green environmental shit they've been talking about. No offense intended, its' just that i can be sharp whenever im pissed.

I remembered what i was pissed about.

I HATE BEING NICE. Or trying to be nice. I've did the best i could but no people just have to be humans don't they? They just want to expect more outta you. Squeeze you till there's none left. Assholes.

There's a saying that when a person died with extreme rage or sadness, their feelings linger over the place they died. I wonder if it's possible for the net....to be haunted?

Amazing how one person can actually change the outlook of a person's life, or maybe many people. Sucks if the change is not beneficial. Oooh that's so chinese. Yep, I'm applying the sterotyping technique here. Here i thought i had full control of my life but everything he says always bring me back to that state of depression. I gotta do something about it. And eating ice cream or satisfying my craving for food isn't gonna help. Put on loads of weight lately. I can't tell if it was because the change of eating habit due to my trip to Europe, or it was due to going through depression which I don't want to admit.

Feeling suicidal for quite some time. Watched Saw, a horror thriller movie about a person who somewhat "teaches" his victims to appreciate life by putting them in near death situations (heck most of them didn't make it though). Anyway i suspect the movie is meant for people who are wasting their life away (e.g dryug addicts), makes us think if life is really worth throwing away or not.

I might say that i'm still firm on the thought of dying. My existance affects a lot of people, in a lot of way. Everyone could make use of less "problems". It's actually a selfish situation, depending on how one looked at it. I've talked with a good buddy; about how i don't mind dying on the spot. But i didnt exactly explain properly why. I'll just put it here.

My reason was....I'm a blessed person. I had everything what people would die to have. From what i heard, i had everything; a family who loves me and spoiled me to the end of my days, we're not rich, but we manage to live happily, i had friends who i can somewhat rely on, i had almost all forms of entertainment which i want whereas some kids on the other side of the world can't even dream of owning one, i'm not talented, but i got admitted into an art college thanks to my parents, i had....almost everything. Except for a goal. A strong goal to live. Because i almost had everything. Even though i haven't experience everything in life yet, but i've yet to see what i'm missing so far. What i'm missing now, is what i'm not willing to work hard for.

Some might call this thought of mine pathetic, but oh well. Try not to expect me to think like other people. I'm an individual, i have thoughts of my own which in my reasoning, should not necessary be the same as others. Oddly enough, all this speech of wanting to die for such a long time, i've yet to take action. I want it to be fast, clean, painless, and inexpensive. I do hope my death will be the last thing about me that will bother my parents so they can go on with their lives, carry on and pray they live happily ever after until their last breath.

14 entries already? Didn't notice there was much, but yet again hey...it's been more than half a year since I've reopened this little site, 14 is quite little i supposed.

Recently came across another journal of a friend, and it somewhat makes me feel relieved that someone who can actually bitch and rant with such angst, without giving me the feeling that this person is bitching nonsense, as if he was bitching with...rights. Yea, a he. Somehow I don't feel bad anymore about bitching in the future, knowing someone who is as angsty as me, doesn't make me feel too evil if i start cursing someone to the depths of hell or somewhere deeper than that.

I've started the "avoid contact" operation in hopes that I could forget....him. Being the sucker that i already was, it was merely impossible. Even if I didn't contact him, he still sends over IMs, which I refrain from replying but as you can tell, i ended up doing so. He called my cellphone, which obviously i picked up and replied, he sent over SMSes, obviously again i typed in my replies and sent them over. Even if it's regarding a small matter, i cant help but just....reply. This sucks.

I have to move out soon. See the world. Or something like that. My 2 week Europe trip has finally came to an end. There were various purposes as to why I requested (and somewhat hinted) to my mum to allow me to make this trip.

It's too painful to stay in Malaysia, to know that he has someone else, to know they were both in love. I'm happy for them I supposed. If he's happy, I'm happy. Anyway like i said, to be reminded of him makes me sad, so again, i tried to flee the country. Also, always wanted to go to Italy and France. The birthplace of magnificent art pieces and architecture. Need to be inspired so I can be ready for the coming semester. Needless to say, the graphics adverts in UK were awesome and the art pieces and architecture encountered during the trip were magnificent.

Since my mum signed up for a tour around Europe, we managed to meet a whole load of people from around the world; Mauritius, the States, Australia, India, Thai, South Africa, Singaporeans, and a few more who also, joined the tour. Took me a while to start talking to them, but courtesy of my mother's friendliness, everyone started talking to both of us. And thus that's how we get to know them better.

There was this guy who's from Thai, but he's just recently graduated from London. Darn I'm so jealous. Anyway, we weren't close, until mum starts talking to him and they somewhat......clicked with each other. I tend to joke that my mum has a new boyfriend and all, but deep down, I sense a tiny bit of jealousy within me. Being the youngest ones around, the rest of the tour peeps who mainly consist of middle aged and old couples tried to set us both teenagers together. Ahhh...romance suckers LOL. No offense to that, in fact it's a friendly term in my dictionary. Anyway I enjoyed his company, and whenever he goes "Oh really?" he reminds me of myself a few years back before I had a massive personality change, the way which I want to be again. Anyway I enjoyed his company, and hopefully we'll be able to stay as friends. Thanks to him, I was able to somewhat slightly take my mind off "the special person" during the trip, just the thing i need. But every now and then I can't help but think of him. Bah!

Also met another guy in the group that recently graduated. We hang out together, the guy from Thai and this guy, who's from Singapore. Talking to them made me realise, there's much more to gain by studying overseas, instead of being cooped up in a local university. I'm still afraid to go study overseas, but from the way they described it, it'll probably be an awesome journey if I move out. Thanks guys. It's a shame we weren't able to take photos with just the three of us together. Now..if only I can sort out the money problem. Design universities are great in UK, but obviously cost of living is also the highest compared to the States and Australia =(

"P.S. If you shave for that twit one more time I'm going to come to Malaysia and smack you myself (no offense)...Who the hell is she to tell you what to do?! The next time she tells you to shave tell her you now like bald chicks and you want her to shave her head. She's so not going to do that for you to make you happy now would she?! For reals, any chick besides your Mom (or that you haven't been with a minimum of 5 years) that tells you what to do with your hair needs to be punched in the face (by me of course...It would look bad if you did it...)"

That was a comment posted by a commenter in his blog. To make it simple, he posted an entry about how I commented that he looked better without goatee, or stubbles. Whichever. Being a natural asshole myself, I couldn't be bothered to make my stand over there, because I couldn't even be bothered to start a war. And as mentioned earlier, it's not something I really want to talk about to anybody. It'll just get them to hate the person who wrote that comment. Maybe they won't, but best not to start anything of that sort.

In the first place, he asked for MY opinion. I asnwered, based on my preference. I DID state to him, "It's your choice, do whatever you need to, or whichever you prefer". So was it wrong to tell a friend of what I think when he asks for an opinion? Did it ever cross the person who commented's mind that I should be giving real answers, only the truth and not lies that pleases him?

In a way, I did betray his trust because he warned me, he even asked me not to read that post made by that particular commenter. But being the sad sadistic idiot I am, I went and get myself hurt, like a firefly who went near a bloody camp fire. If he finds out about this, I don't know.....My only concern right now was, I did something he asked me not to do.

Yeah, it sure sucks when you have strangers, people who you don't even know, and people that don't even know you, who called you twit, sick bitch, whatever. I'm bothered by what they said, but I couldn't care less of starting a fight right now.

On the contrary, came back from a 3 day trip from Singapore. I purposedly made my parents to allow me to go for that trip. I had to get out of wherever I am, if i stayed longer I might hurt him even more. I felt as if my existance is a curse to others, him especially. However, thanks to the o-holy wonders of technology, we were still able to keep in touch with each other via phone and internet. So much for fleeing the country.

Feel like diggin a hole and bury myself in there. Or throw myself into some river filled with piranhas. Sure sucks when you're the reason of why your love suffered from anxiety and bitterness.

Even so, on the contrary I'll live on, face my mistakes and make amends for it.

About time to get started on anime reviews. being a lazy bum, there will not be any screenshots to accompanied with the reviews, unfortunately. Furthermore most likely the review will be very very very biased.

Anime of the day: Blood+

Accompanied with awesome fighting music, I find the last half of every episode very interesting. Fairly good animated fighting scenes with awesome fighting music which matches the standard of Titanic's original soundtracks, it makes viewers like me interested to watch the next one. First half got me yawning, but I guess it couldn't be helped when everything is about some biotechnology stuff.

Each characters are pretty interesting in their own way. And as far as I can see, most of them are not abandoned in some corner, which most likely hint to the fact that all of them are tied into some kind of fate to meet each other some day, some where during the series.

Personal note: Can't wait for the day Kai will grow up. It's sad to see him being so useless throughout the series Hopefully there'll be some good use in stored for him in the future. Did I mention Julia is hot? It's a shame that her boobs are somewhat...fan-service-ish.

His most precious person has awaken from a deep slumber. I guess it shall be a happy ending for both of them from now onwards. Good for him.

I don't feel like writing out what I feel. It's too painful. I need time to get over this. I need to get away from here. And I'll probably do just that.

On the contrary, I really really really feel happy now that his most important person is finally awake. It pains me so to see him all worried.

Who knew playing as someone's mother could be so fun?

Back during high school, there used to be a guy who's about 4 years younger than me. Due to some odd circumstances, we start acknowledging our 'ranks' between both of us. From that day onwards, he called me 'mum', and I'll call him 'sonny' or whatever which is equivalent to it in other chinese dialects or languages.

So it's been 3 years since I've left high school, and I recently made a return to help a friend decorate the notice boards for her club. And there again, I met my 'son'. Oh how much he has grown over the years. He's still short though and that childish attitude of his is still there. I guess some things won't change after all.

He stayed a while to help out. So happens that day was Open Day, or in easier terms, the day where parents are supposed to meet their child's school teacher where the teacher will bitch about their kid, if they want to get into trouble that is.

Naturally being concern, I asked him when his 'real' parents will arrive.

"They're not coming. They're busy"

If it is one thing I hate, its this kind of situation. I understand parents can be really busy, but to NOT attend their child's once a year event? Note that there is a chance he might be lying, or maybe he didn't inform his parents. Whichever the reason was, I came up with the craziest idea.

"Fine. Let me meet your class teacher as YOUR mum".

He stared. Mouth wide open. And we both giggled at the idea. He challenged me to see if I'm serious or not. At that point I wasn't so sure myself, so I went along with his challenge, and went to his class. We stopped outside the class and I had a glimpse of his teacher.

"Hmm...she doesn't look sharp." She was there, sitting down at her table reading the papers.

I start digging out some information from him about his mother. Just in case his teacher starts asking me some weird ass questions. And that's when she turned around. She spotted me, went to her table, and took out his report card.

Shit. Guess there's no turning back.

So in we went, after contemplating for minutes. His classmates were practically staring at me. One blurted out,"Hey, is that your sister?!"

Oh shit. Take note that if I answer "yes", I might lose the authority to pick his report card from him. Not that it's a big problem, but changing roles in 1 minute doesn't work well with me. So I answered casually....

"No...I'm his mother"

Mouths wide opened. I swear there's a big ROFL sign stamped on my brain at that moment. His teacher -which will remain anonymous until the end of this post- was shocked too. No surprise. She commented,"Wow, you looked really young". Another kid blurt out, "Yeah, you looked so damn young". I thanked them for their compliments, sat, and got down to business.

His teacher displayed his report card before me. I didn't take notice of the marks, but some grades written in red caught my attention. Take note again, whenever grades are written in red, that means the student had failed in that particular subject. I raised an eye brow and stared at him for a moment.

"Uhh....as you can see, your son has been neglecting his studies lately. He's been focusing too much on his extra-curricular activities."

Understanding his situation because I used to be like him, my reply was, "Yes, I understand...he'll stop doing that soon" and looked at him. "Hear that...?"

"Yes..."

Continuing..... "So how is he at school...? Was he being naughty or up to anything?"

"Your son has been skipping class too often. It's so hard to find him sometimes. He's always somewhere, except this class."

Gawd.....sounds exactly like what my class teacher told my parents 3 years ago.

She even pointed out the lowest grade. "As you can see here, he only scored 9/100 for Morale Studies"

WTF?! It's understandable though. Easy as the subject name had sound, it wasn't at all. The education ministry keeps on revising the format. I for one know how tought it was because I had to take the same bloody subject 3 years ago. Casually trying to make a conversation, I added an enquiry about them changing the format and such.

After that, we ran out of topic. I was about to leave when his teacher asked,"Since we have our school festival coming up, would you like to contribute something? Like cooking up some nasi lemak(a Malaysian dish)...or...?"

HOLY shit. I can't even cook a decent meal to save lives. That's when he came to the rescue. "Teacher have you forgotten? I'm supposed to be baking chocolate cake for our class!" Another note; he can bake pretty good cakes, or so I've heard. "There you have it", I promptly replied, pushed the chair backs slightly, smiled at her and took leave with my 'son'.

Slowly we walked out of the class, and upon leaving the door, I looked at him. "What the hell? 9 for Morale Studies?".

"Hey I already warned you earlier, I didn't score that well".

"Well you better study more for it. And your Malay language too. Any lower and you're gonna fail your major examination."

Note: In Malaysia government school exams, failing the Malay language subject is equivalent to failing the entire exam, regardless of scoring A+ for other subjects like English, Biology,and etc.

Now looking back at it....I wonder if it was really 'motherly' concern or was it just me nagging as usual?

From the third floor we moved on to the next school block, went down the stairs and laughed our ass off at what we just bloody did. Whether the teacher bought our whole 'mother and son' scheme thing, no one really knows. But who cares. It's not like she's going hunt me down if she finds out.

..and ironically, I passed by her at the very same building 3 years ago.

Handphones are one of the almighty source of evils. It's almost as bad as carrying the damn ring that Frodo carries.

Sure, it's good when you need to call someone important, to get your pesky sister to bring out the trash, get your mum to deliver the long forgotten mail and stuff, but it ain't good when they start calling you SO many frigging times a day to ask pesky questions.

Ahh....such caring mum of mine. Keeps calling to ask pesky questions, unimportant questions when I needed to be alone. Sure, she's being caring and all. But she should have done that when I was younger, when I really looked forward to her calling. Sorry to say I'm feeling bitter about this due to my childhood which I didn't really enjoy much.

It's been too long since then. She tried so much to make up for it. My guess was she somewhat envied her colleagues, they have daughters and they're frigging close to them. Some are still attached to their mum to the point the share SMSs sent by their boyfriends. Too late. Or is there still hope?

Ha...as the Chinese would put it; Such an ungrateful daughter.

'Nuff said. Remember how many the little mermaid killed herself over a prince who married some other foreign princess and disappear into bubbles? Begin to wonder how many had done that over the past few decades. If I lose any more willpower I might join their ranks soon.

On the contrary, apparantly my little brother had grown up a little. He bought his first somewhat-porn-related PS2 game. Ahhh.....he's finally stepping towards that path. I'm so proud of him. He was bloody shy at first and chickened out. In fact he requested me to buy the game on his behalf. What the heck? *LOL*

I knew though, that he has to learn how to buy it himself and I won't always be there to get him his future 'entertainment' stuff, so I made him to do it himself. Took him quite some time, contemplating whether he should get it or not. He was pretty worried if Mum or Dad finds out. Kids... *LOL* At least he has some conscience.

Mixed feelings. Normal teenager drama. But it's real.

I had... a crush on my ex. Somewhat it's an unrequited love, as usual. What sucks was...he finally found someone else, just when I began to realize that I loved him. What sucks more is that, the person he loved, is currently in coma. As a friend, I feel bad for not being able to do anything for both of them. As a person who loved him, the sin is even heavier for not being able to be there for him. It burdens me so to see him getting hurt over someone else, at the same time it also hurts that things aren't working well for him. I just wish things can get better.

I'm never good at consoling, and I'm a person of few words, so it sucks to not be able to ease his burden, even if it's just a little. However I'll continue to be by his side, even if it means getting hurt myself.

You know how a slip of a simple word can actually destroy something complicated? Friendship for instance.

So a good buddy have been asking for help on how he should do his blog. No problem. He wants it to be interesting. Sure, why not? He has the writing skills, what else more can a blogger ask for if he wants people to be reading his blog? Fine. He starts organising his blog. He asked for opinions. I gave him mine. But... there was once when I didn't. And that sparked the flame of hatred.

So it's my fault for not getting back to him. But I had my reasons. I'm too childish to be nice to him because he went overboard yesterday with a joke which of course, unintentionally caused me to feel cold towards him and thus not feeling dedicated to help him anymore. He did try to apologize, but being a jerk I didn't let him. Even if I did sometimes I wonder if he does mean it. It has happened a couple of times when he went overboard but being the so-called Ms. Nice I ignored it. Let bygones be bygones. But not yesterday. I've had enough. Like all the enemies I've made in the past, let's add another into the list shall we? If there's a list for people who I despised, it'll probably make it into the Guiness Book of Records.

How can a human being commit such a brutal action? How could they be so cold as to kill another person?

I've heard those questions before. And I knew the answer, theoratically that is. But recently due to unstable emotion, I've realised that I am a potential murderer. Not accusing anyone or anything, but I think everyone has the chance to be one. Heck ALL of us are murderers. You'll be lying if you said you've did no such thin, because I know you've squished a bug before, weed the garden and thus ending the miserable lifes of that green patch by throwing them into a plastic bag or burn them to death.

Back to the point. Was having a nice little dinner at a mamak joint the other day when a cloud of cigarette smoke came rolling by from the next table. I, myself was never fond of those smell, and I'm sure that of all people who hated cigarette smoke, I am one who hated it the most because its related to a certain someone who I wished never existed. So, adding to my discomfort is another wave of cigarette smoke from ANOTHER table. Heck does everyone in Malaysia have to smoke? I'm sure not everybody does that but that, was what I felt at that time.

I looked at a lady in her twenties smoking and puffing more of the horrendous smoke, slowly shortening the lifespan of hers and the cigarette she had in her hand. By the time she's done, nothing better than the word 'Hallelujah!!' went across my mind. I went on ahead with my meal, only to find 10 seconds of peace before she took another of that death stick and slowly inserts it into her mouth. It wasn't so bad, until she lighted that bloody cigarette. That was when I snapped. Bitch. If you like it so much why don't you just put in 20 of those into your mouth? At that time, I was seriously tempted by the sight of the fork on the table. You get the picture.

And to think such a trivial thing was able to drive a person to think of committing a murder.

If it's one thing I always hated, it is experiencing the best moment of my life and wake up to find it's all just a dream and I'm back to my life in reality.Damn.

Sometimes I hate myself. There are countless of times when people would be generously nice to me and I wouldn't do the same for them. Is it a side effect of being an introvert, or I just couldn't be bothered?

It's amazing how some thing lasted. Like this website. The haloscan account. Boomspeed which hosted the images for my last layout. The last time I edited this page was probably three to four years ago. And now I'm back, back to blogging. Somehow, I felt that some things are better announced to the world rather than being kept in a personal book unread. It makes me feel somewhat relieved, knowing there's a possibility someone might be reading this. In a way, I feel as if someone is hearing me out. No matter who it was. Thanks for reading.

Awh I can feel my skills are getting rusty. This blog past layouts have been better than this. I can barely do codings without referring the HTML codes of my past layout. Schlechter will be...let's see... there's Realm of Insanity, Aoi no Tsuki, Wishing Star.....ah. Schelechter is currently the fourth blog I had. Again it's funny how I came back to pitas. After getting hosted, Realm of Insanity was moved and thus renamed to Aoi no Tsuki, in memory of my ex-crush and Wishing Star in hoping that things will get better with my ex-boyfriend. Things didn't really work out but I guess everything has its own way. It feels nostalgic, typing this, and I start remembering all the past layouts I've done. Nothing can be done to retrieve them back as I had been an idiot who chooses to click the button 'delete'. However as much as I hate to, I am not allowed to look at the past but to look at the present and work for the future. The past was something I want to forget, but there are some things which I would want to keep with me eternally. Haha I think I can spend the rest of the night typing what I'm thinking but if I do that I'll be in hot soup for Comic Fiesta. More details on Comic Fiesta 2005 (perhaps) in the next entry...or maybe the entry after. *shrugs*

...this blog name was based on a name of my mage in RO. Somewhat I grew attached to this German word, without really knowing what it exactly meant but I think it means 'Extreme Evil' or something like that.Simple layout designed in Adobe Photoshop 7.0 and header pic was drawn by me =p

{About Me}////////////////////

...is an average 19 year old, who's interested in selected Japanese anime, manga, games, and food (Will not be specified to avoid browser from jamming). Only blogs here in order to vent out her frustration.